Happy 49th Anniversary... but why do I not feel happy at all?? Once again, I've did something which will definitely change everything... and so the changing process has started... he no longer trusts me... I knew this is going to happen before I did it.... yet I still did it.... am I mad?? sometimes I wonder... but why did I still do it when I knew the consequences??? One mistake and it'll end everything... is that what I want?? No... but I still did it... I guess I'm just plain dumb and childish... But I'm sure everyone has their own reasons why they did it... It's just whether you can accept their reasons or not.... and clearly you don't... and now you're super mad... and this will leads to the usual stuffs... and end...... I knew this is going to happen had I told you... I could have easily say nothing... not telling you anything... but I still told you... And I've explained... you can't accept... I thought of asking you to do it yourself.... but I know you wouldn't... and I know if I asked you and you rejected my request, we'll end up quarreling and this will end earlier... And so I did it myself and tell you after that... and still makes no difference... it's going to end... perhaps the process has begun... I do not know... I hope no... but I know I have to face it because it is all my fault... begging for forgiveness wouldn't work anymore I guess... Hearing me every time begging for forgiveness must be very sien d.... I make no improvements... Why bother to forgive me again and again when I still repeat the same thing over and over again??? There is only one answer to that... because you believe I will change and improve and you love me?? or I am wrong again?? I analyze people... and I learn about people from there... but I am always wrong whenever I analyze you... You are so unpredictable... which is sometimes good, sometimes bad... coz I will never know what is going to happen and perhaps what I think will happen doesn't come true... but perhaps what I think won't happen comes true...

I just want to say I'm sorry I did it... I know I shouldn't do it... but I still did it due to my own selfishness and childishness... I know these are not the qualities you want in your other half... I know we are not compatible... I do not have any of the qualities you are looking for in your other half... You wanted someone who is matured, not controlling, not selfish, pretty, slim, good body shape, and will do what you want... I am none of those... I am childish, not matured, sometimes controlling but I only do that when you are with me, selfish, ugly, fat, with no body shape and do not do what you want... I tried to change... I see some improvements in myself... but you do not see the improvements... I guess your standard is very high... I tried not to be controlling and thus I resolve to only control your diet and your lifestyle only when I am with you... but you do not like it... I tried to be matured... but I guess maturity is not achievable through trying and when nobody supports you but kept telling you that you are childish... maturity is something you grow with... I guess I'm suffering from stunted growth... haha...

I do not know what is going on your mind now... whether to do as what I think you will do... or surprise me and do not do as what I think you will do... I do not know what will happen from now on... But if you are really going to do as what I think you will do, I hope you will do it face to face... I cannot and will not accept it through msn, facebook, sms, phone call, video call, blog, etc which do not involve sitting side by side and talking face to face... I hope you can just approve my this little request... And once again, I apologize for what I've done...