my eyes overflow with tears,

When you walk away one step further,

more tears start falling.

As you go away to a place where I can't reach you,

even if I reach out my hand,

I can't catch you, I can only cry.

What should I do, what should I do,

You're leaving.

What should I do, what should I do,

You're leaving me.

I love you, I love you,

I cry out to you.

But you can't hear me,

because I'm shouting through my heart.

All day long I try to erase you,

but you appear in my mind again.

All day long I try to say goodbye,

but you appear in my mind again.

Although you went to a place where I can't hold you,

even if my hand reaches out for you,

I can't find you, I can only cry.

What should I do? What should I do?

I can only see you.

What should I do? What should I do?

I love you too.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry,

Can you hear me?

Please come back to me,

If ain't you, I can't go on.

What should I do? What should I do?
I only have you.

What should I do? What should I do?

You're leaving.

What should I do? What should I do?
You're leaving me alone.

I love you, I love you,

I cry out to you.

But you can't hear me,

because I'm shouting through my heart.

What should I do???

I don't want this.

Last week during this time I'm almost reaching Baling, Kedah. And I remembered clearly, last Friday night he told me we will have the opportunity to continue chatting when I'm back to KL on Tuesday. And that is the reason I let him sleep when he really needed his rest. And he told me to leave him a message in MSN when I am about to leave. And so did I. Left his a message in the morning of last Saturday and luckily he was still online before I left. And I remembered, during lunch hour, I messaged him again...

In an hour more, I told him I had arrived and was at the hospital visiting my grandma as she was admitted to the hospital. And he told me he missed me and wish my grandma get well soon. Thanks.

But today... I can no longer tell him I miss him and I can no longer receive a message from him saying he misses me too...

Get a life!!! Stop dreaming!!! FML!!!

Previously on Our Story: It started on 2005. I had a crush on him the moment I first saw him. We got to know each other better through badminton. I kept wanting to team up with him whenever it is his turn to play. :P He got my handphone number and started sms-ing me. Our friendship grew stronger and I found myself crushing on him even more and started to fall in love with him. My best friend's birthday is the same as his. During my birthday, I had 2 parties and one of it involved him. He gave me a necklace which I still kept with me until now. He called me just to sing me a Birthday Song on my birthday when no one else did. He mms-ed the birthday song that he sang together with his guitar as accompaniment to me. We went for Christmas party together and had a fright during the Christmas party.

And now, welcome back to Our Story Part 2. I just realized I forgot to mention that we took part in Badminton Competitions together in 2005. Hehehe. It was fun and exciting. And once again, he saved most of the game. Though we lost, we still had a lot of fun. And oh!! Did I mentioned that he bought the exact same handphone as me??? Motorola E398. OMG!!! I was super excited when we were both using same handphones. :P Though we were not couple yet, but it made me feel like one. :P And we were the only ones in school using the same Motorola E398!!! :P Now back to where we left in the last post. Christmas party. After the Christmas party, we still kept in contact with each other through sms until the school re-opens again. January 2006. School re-opened. And now we were both in Upper 6. The time for war with STPM is about to start. Though we hardly get the chance to talk to each other in school as we were both in different class, we did keep in touch in school through sms!! Woot!! Our school allows us to bring handphones to school and thus, that is how we keep in touch. :P

Every time I received his sms, my heart will pound faster than usual. However, we do not sms each other that often in school as we knew both of us have classes to attend and need full concentration on it. After school, we sms-ed each other more frequently. And soon, we started giving each other nicknames. I nicknamed him first. Coz he is just too much like a pig to me. Thus, I called him my Piggy. :P And then he realized I'm much more a pig than him as I always sleep. Thus, he named me Piglet. I love being his Piglet. :P And now, our sms-ed is full with the words: Piggy and Piglet.

Soon, I got to know all his tuitions time and his working time. I found out that he is working at his own family factory which produces straws. He does not really like that job but still has to do it. Pity my Piggy. It must has been hard and tiring for you. I remember very well, one night he went for his Physics tuition. And I had my dinner. During my dinner, I missed him a lot and started sms-ed him to disturb him. And that was the first time he told me he missed me too. :P OMG!!! I still have the message in my previous handphone. But I doubt the phone can be on again. It seems to have died. SAD!!! :( I really miss those messages he sent to me last time and wanted to re-read them all. Now back to the story, he first told me he missed me during his Physics tuition!!! OMG!!! Now that really made my heart beat faster than before until I almost suffered from high blood pressure!!! :P And after telling me that, he told me that he needed to concentrate in his tuition. And so, I stopped disturbing for a while. And guess what??!! He sms-ed me the moment his tuition class ended!!! :P And there it is. Our first "I miss you" message. :P

We hardly told each other we missed each other though. Perhaps we were still both unsure how we both felt for each other. However, we still sms-ed each other every day. Soon it was Valentine's Day. I forgot what we did during that time. I think we just sms-ed each other as usual. And we did wished each other Happy Valentine's Day though. :P I remembered we started staying back after school during our Upper 6 for study group but I've forgotten when we started that. If not mistaken, it was after my friend suggested that idea. And did I mentioned that I've found out who gave him my number??? It was my friend!!! OMG!! never did I expect him to get it from her!! How did I find that out?? During Maths tuition, my friend sat besides me. And so happened, he messaged me a while when I just reached my tuition place. And as it was a Friday, and we'll be having 2 tuitions non-stop but at different locations, we were all very sleepy not to mention it was a super hot and humid Friday afternoon. Thus, we will occasionally talked to each other during tuition to keep us awake. So happened my friend suddenly mentioned about Cs. If my memory is right, she asked me something about how's things going on with me and Cs. OMG!!! That immediately struck me!! And made me to ask her if she was the one who gave him my number!!! Gosh!! Never did I expect her to be the one who gave him my number and kept that secret for so long!!! OMG!!! She thought I would have known it was she who gave him my number but no!! OMG!! Luckily she did not probed much into our stuffs. :P haha. And I must thank her for bringing us together as a friend. :P Back at home after tuition classes ended, we continued sms-ed again. And that was the time when I told him about what happened earlier. And he laughed!! -.-" Notti Piggy, I must say. He told me he asked her to keep it as a secret and God, she really did kept his secret for so long!! -.-"

Our days continued with sms-ing each other. And occasionally he bought Vitagen for me in school during recess as he was one of the Co-operative members. :P However, he just left the Vitagen on my table during recess as I was normally in the canteen having recess with my friends. Sometimes, after recess and getting to the class, it was really touching and surprising for me when I found a bottle of Vitagen on my table. But he did not does this often though. :( But then, it is still sweet of him to do that sometimes. :P

Oh well, I guess that is all for now... Hope you all enjoy this little story... Stay tuned for Part 3!!!

Now.. who can answer my questions???

Went to lab this afternoon after having my lunch. Was wondering if I will be able to eat my lunch properly when my friends called me out for lunch. Luckily, I am able to finish my lunch properly and digested it pretty well. After lunch, went to lab. Never did I expect to see this. It totally reminds me of the time during Sports Day when you came over to the runners' tent to talk to me.

There was a guy who was supposed to be having lesson in the lab. And there was a girl who is a scholarship student and doing her scholarship hours in the lab. Today, the girl was given the task of washing the test tubes in the Molecular Lab. So happened that I was in the Molecular Lab preparing my agar. And so happened that I saw the guy came from Fermentation Lab which is beside Molecular Lab to talk to the girl. There were only the three of us in the Molecular Lab. And they two talked loud enough for me to hear. And it really seemed to me that the guy is interested in the girl and talked to her like how you did it last time during Sports Day. I tried my best not to listen to what they were talking about. But either my ears are too sensitive or they were talking a little too loud. -.-" And thus, I can catch every word they said clearly and it is extremely obvious that the guy is interested in the girl. -.-"

Having to listen to them talking is a little suffering for me. I almost could not control my emotions again. Luckily I finished preparing my agar and microwaved it fast. At least I managed to control my emotions before it controls me again. Sigh. I really missed those days. Seeing them two makes me feel even worse.

However, I failed again in controlling my emotions. I could not hold back while doing my paper disc diffusion. I was doing it alone as Nene was in the other lab taking our samples out. And then, emotions took hold of me. Though I was busy doing my paper disc diffusion, I was thinking of him again. I did concentrate in doing my lab. But my brain, being used to multi-tasking, is able to think of him at the same time I was concentrating doing my lab work. And unexpectedly, while waiting for the forceps to cool, my hands automatically reached for ethanol 70% and spray on my hands and then reached for my hp and started pressing the buttons and voila. A message was sent to him. And my hands automatically continued doing my work as if nothing had happened. I do not want to do this. I do not want to force him. I do not want to disturb him. Yet my hands are out of my control. I'm very sorry. And he did replied me. Asking me to be careful again and to concentrate doing my lab. Thanks. I will try my best to control my hands and emotion.

Strange though. I feel sick whenever after I had my dinner recently. Sigh. I hate that feeling. Why is this happening to me?? Sigh...

2005 is the year when I started my Form 6 at SMK Dato' Sri Amar Diraja, Muar. It was also my very first time attending a co-ed school. First time interacting with guys for a whole day everyday. Not that I had never interact with guys before, but previously it was just during tuition time and most of the time during tuition, we were all focused on our tuition teacher. Thus, being my first time interacting with guys for the whole day everyday in school is a new thing to me. And thus, I was naturally quite nervous when talking to guys.

One day, while walking around the school with my best friend, I saw a guy. To me, he was the coolest guy ever and also the most pleasant looking guy in the whole form 6. Naturally, my heart flutters and thoughts of knowing this guy increases. My heart actually skipped a beat faster whenever I saw this guy around the school. After sharing this with my best friend, I only found out that my best friend actually knew this guy since birth!! How coincidence is that??!!

Thus, as any other girls who want to know the guy they like better, I sought my best friend for help. Wanting her to introduce her friend to me. Unfortunately, my best friend is also a shy girl. Though they knew each other since birth and are close family friends, my best friend knew little about this guy that I like. However, she did provide me enough information about this guy. And after doing my little research from my little bunch of friends who were in the same class as the guy, I knew more of him. However, it is not enough for me. I need to know him better.

How lucky I am one day. I went to play badminton with my friends one fine Saturday afternoon. And never did I expect, my friend asked her friends along to play and her friends asked their friends along to play. It turned out a big group of us. All from the same school though different classes. And I was super excited when I saw he was there too!!! I couldn't help it but to try my best to pair up with him while playing badminton. My badminton skills sucks a lot and I wondered if he will dislike me for being so dumb in badminton. Cause he is OMG!! SUPER COOL!! And WONDERFUL!! in badminton leh!!! Luckily, he did not show any distaste whenever I paired up with him. I'm so glad he is willing to be on the same team with me that time!! :D And it really made me nervous. Afraid that I will make a blunder while teaming with him. I was super nervous by then. But luckily, being a pro at badminton, he saved most of the game and yeah!! WE WON!! haha.. It was just a friendly match among us friends. :P I was super glad and happy able to pair up with him. However, I am still too shy to talk to him. And so, I can only stand at a corner staring at him from afar. I kept myself with my girls as I am too shy to approach him. He was standing among a bunch of guys leh!! Of course I'm shy lah!! haha.

After that day, we had more badminton outings again. And this time, I tried not to be so shy anymore. And will automatically move to his side whenever he is about to play. :P hehe!! Well, it's not entirely due to myself but my friends asked me to play whenever it is his turn to play. Haha!! So, I'm partly being forced to team with him lah!! haha!! But I'm really happy!! hehe!! During one of the badminton outings, I noticed while we're resting, that he knew my friend quite well. However, as I do not want to reveal to my friend that I like him, I did not asked about him from my friend.

I continued bugging my best friend for more informations about him after on. :P

One night, at home, while watching my favourite TV channel, my handphone suddenly rang and it showed that I had received a message. I wondered who it is from as I do not recognize the number shown. It was a forwarded message. And to my surprise, when I scrolled to the bottom, it says there: From: Chee Siang. OMG!!!!! He messaged me!!! I was super happy by then!!! Kept laughing and smiling stupidly while staring at my phone. OMG!!! I remembered mummy asked me why on earth am I smiling stupidly at my phone. And I did not even answered her. I was too happy and surprised at that time. I wondered how on earth did he got my number. And I was wondering too, does this mean he is interested in me as well??!! OMG!!!

Immediately, I texted my best friend and told her about it. I asked her if she was the one who gave him my number but she said no. Now, that is a mystery. No one else know about me crushing on him except my best friend. And I trust my best friend that she won't go around telling other people. Nope, she won't tell anyone. But I just couldn't figure out who is the one who gave him my number. OMG!!! I read back again the forwarded message that he sent to me. And whenever I read it, my heart will beat faster. Haha! And of course I did reply him. Sent him a forwarded message too. And he replied me again!! Asking me if I know who he is. Of course I know who you are, dumbo. You're the one I'm crushing on lah!! haha!! And I asked him where did he got my number from. But he's being so secretive. Not telling me anything. And only replied it's a secret. :( It made me even more curious.

However, after that little message from him, we messaged each other more often. Getting to know each other. And that is how we became closer. And the best part is, no one else know about this except me, my best friend and him!!! :P haha.

After sometime, it was his birthday. I found out earlier that he shared the same birthday as my best friend. OMG!! And my best friend was celebrating her birthday at her house and I bugged her to invite him as well!!! :P Now, that's a part which I don't remember clearly. I'm not sure if he did attend the birthday party or not. But one thing I'm sure of is that he did went to my best friend house during Deepavali. :P

As usual, I was shy in front of guys. Though we knew each other better each day through sms, yet we hardly got the chance to talk to each other in school as we were from different class. Thus, I was shy in front of him. hehe. In fact, we were both shy in front of each other. :P

Soon, my birthday arrived. And being a rebellious child, I held my own birthday party without my parent knowledge. Lying to them that my friends are throwing me a birthday party instead of me throwing myself a birthday party. Haha! I even planned for two birthday parties for 2 groups of different people. The 1st is with my little bunch of Convent girls. And the 2nd is with my best friend, my good girl friends, my good friend who happened to be a guy and knew him and another friend and of course, him!!! :P I dragged my best friend along as I was shy that time. Haha!! My first birthday party involving guys!! :P Of course lah shy!! haha!

Guess what did he give me for my birthday?? A necklace!! WOOT!!! I don't quite remember if he shared the present with his friend or not. But I think he shared with his friend lah. I was happy to receive his gift though I have something like the necklace he gave me. :P And then, after my little birthday parties, my dad came to fetch me back. And guess what??!! On the way back home, he msged me and wished my happy birthday again!! :P And I told him I wanted a birthday song from him. And never did I expect, he actually sang for me!!! OMG!!! He even mms-ed to me!! And I still have the song he first sang to me!!! :P And with guitar accompaniment some more!!! :P Though his voice is a little out of tune, it is still very sweet!! My first time having a guy sang a birthday song to me on my birthday!!! :P I was super happy till I couldn't sleep at night!!

And then it was Christmas!!! For the first time in my life, mummy allowed me to go to church with my best friend, Lienz, for Christmas!!! And I did asked him along as well!!! :P Lienz came to fetch me from my home and we went to buy small Christmas pressie to exchange at church later. He was already there when we arrived. We entered the church together and never did I realized, it was not as fun as I thought it would be. There was no dinner served, both Lienz and me were super hungry. And the desserts were not much. We ended up having empty stomach for the whole night. -.-" But with him around, my stomach suddenly became full. Haha! The so-called Christmas party ended early. Both me and Lienz were scared out of our wits. And we hurried back home after it ended.

Though the Christmas party was a little bit too much for me, yet I still did enjoyed myself with his accompaniment. :P

And that is how my life was during form 6 in 2005. That is how our story begins. And there are more to come. And I'll shall blog about it next time. I really wish our story will never end.

I'm sorry for making life hard for you when you said no contact for a month... I cannot take it... One day is like a year to me... I need my life back... I want my life back... but I can't do this alone... And there is no one else that I can lean on to... I just want my life back to before........................

Reading back is indeed tough for me... While reading, out of sudden, tears will just drop down from the eyes... And there is a super painful feeling in the heart... There's so much I want to chat with you on Friday... But you needed to rest... and it's late that time... You told me that we can continue chatting on Wednesday after I'm back from grandma's house... But it seems that this can never come true anymore... never did I expect this to happen...

I wonder if I will ever have the chance to continue our conversation that we left it half-way the other day.... I wonder how long do I have to wait to have the chance to continue the conversation... or will I never have the chance to do so again??? It's really heart-breaking....

I'm supposed to get ready for lab now... but the tears will not stop flowing... Why can't it just listen to my brain and stop flowing?? Why am I so weak??? I hate myself being so weak... I hate my life now... This is not me... I wonder if I will ever survive this.... And I wonder if I will ever be the same person I was before this again....

Picture perfect memories,

Scattered around the floor.

Reaching for the phone cause, I can't fight it anymore.

And I wonder if I ever cross your mind.

For me it happens all the time.

It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now.

Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now.

And I don't know how I can do without, I just need you now.

Another shot of whiskey, can't stop looking at the door.

Wishing you'd come sweeping in the way you did before.

And I wonder if I ever cross your mind.

For me it happens all the time.

It's a quarter after one, I'm a little drunk,

And I need you now.

Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now.

And I don't know how I can do without, I just need you now.

Yes I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all.

It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now.

Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now.

And I don't know how I can do without, I just need you now.

I just need you now...

Oh baby I need you now...........

Is the expiry date nearing??? Why is he so determined this time??? No hope?? No future?? or time for a new change?? new taste?? I feel so hopeless... Continue clinging or let go??? Why is this always happening whenever I planned to do something???

I'm blur... confused... I don't know what to do... Give up?? or continue hoping, supporting?? But he felt guilty... What does that mean??

Somehow, I wish to hide in a dark corner alone... But now... though there are many dark corners around at grandma's house... but I can never have to chance to do so without being found out... What can I do?? Uncle and aunt sitting right in front of me... yet I've to put up a brave and strong and normal face... Any slight change of expression will make them question me... What should I do??

I do not want this to end... It shouldn't end like this... You are not the only one suffering... Will you ever know how I feel??? You assumed I can handle it... But the truth is... NO...I CAN'T.... I'm human being too... I'm as human as you are... I want you as much as you want me... But will you ever know...

So... now what??? Been feeling sick since evening... after having a bowl of "kuey tiao" soup... I wonder it's due to me eating too much??? or because of what you said in your sms to me... I feel sick... Not myself... I don't want this to happen... It should not have happen... I can only blame myself again for bringing this up... If only I can just keep my mouth shut... I guess mummy is right... I'm too much talkative... Let this be a lesson to me....

I really don't know what else to do... You won't change your mind... I won't change my mind either... But what good will this bring?? nothing... someone has to surrender in the end... Is it my time?? or your time??? I wish you'll be the one to surrender... I do not intend to write this to let you see... But I'm too lazy to change my blog settings which automatically sends you an email informing you that I've updated my blog... Thus... if you see this, you can choose to pretend you've not read this... or you can choose that you've read this...

Okay... I do not really know what I am typing anymore... My brain is totally blur... I cannot think properly now... I can't even think of ways to make you stay anymore...

i miss you..............