~ Meaningless ~
I should not have existed in this life... My life sucks... Just did something super embarrassing in the public... I do not wish to talk about it here... I'm better off be dead and not exist on this earth...
Labels: emo, family
i am who i am
4:01 PM
~ Dilemma ~
Edward or Jacob?? If Edward, no Jacob... If Jacob, no Edward...
Parents or bf?? If parents, no bf... If bf, no parents...
I suddenly feel like I am Bella Swan in Eclipse... Edward and Jacob cannot exist together side by side... One is a vampire, the other is a werewolf... And vampires and werewolves are enemies... And so, Bella has to decide whether she wanted Edward or Jacob... But she wanted both... Just like me... Parents and bf... Can't they both exist in the same time for me?? Why this can happen to others but not me?? Why do I have to choose between him and my parents?? I just don't understand...
"Not wanting to be ridiculously early for work, I ate my breakfast slowly, one Cheerio at a time. Then, when I'd washed the dishes, I arranged the magnets on the fridge into a perfect line. Maybe I was developing obsessive-compulsive disorder.
The last two magnets - round black utilitarian pieces that were my favorites because they could hold ten sheets of paper to the fridge without breaking a sweat - did not want to cooperate with my fixation. Their polarities were reversed; every time I tried to line the last one up, the other jumped out of place.
For some reason - impending mania, perhaps - this really irritated me. Why couldn't they just play nice? Stupid with stubbornness, I kept shoving them together as if I was expecting them to suddenly give up. I could have flipped one over, but that felt like losing. Finally, exasperated at myself more than the magnets, I pulled them from the fridge and held them together with two hands. It took a little effort - they were strong enough to put up a fight - but I forced them to coexist side-by-side.
"See," I said out loud - talking to inanimate objects, never a good sign - "That's not so horrible, is it?"
I stood there like an idiot for a second, not quite able to admit that I wasn't having any lasting effect against scientific principles. Then, with a sigh, I put the magnets back on the fridge, a foot apart.
"There's no need to be so inflexible," I muttered."
(quoted from Stephenie Meyer, 2007, "Eclipse", pg 95 -96.)
Cs doesn't want me to listen to my parents... My parents don't allow me to go anywhere (normally in Muar, where the only transport I am allowed to take to go anywhere in Muar is the car driven by my parents...) which they will not and cannot go no matter with who... Cs wants me to listen to him... My parents want me to listen to them... Why I never get the chance to listen to myself??? -.-" Why everyone loves to control my life and decide things for me??? -.-" Is that very fun??? -.-"
And why I never get the chance to control other people's life or decide things for them?? -.-" I only get to control and decide for my doggies... :( I guess... I am the King of the Dogs!!! -.-" Lame... I know... Let me be happy for a while la... Let me "syok sendiri" a while la...
Thank you.
Labels: emo, family, relationship
i am who i am
3:37 PM
~ So-called 21st Birthday ~
Everyone's 21st Birthday must be very special... extravaganza... full of parties, friends, pressies, cakes... What about mine???
Well, my 21st Birthday is also very special... It's just as normal as any other day... or even worse... No celebration, no party, no friends, no presents, no cake... This is far worse than my previous birthdays... where I will, at the very least, have a piece of cake... A dark birthday...
*sigh*
So much for a birthday... Even wanting to go for breakfast with Shue Ling also need to ask for permission... wtf... I wonder... how many people out there with my age have to ask for permission from their parents to meet their friends for breakfast?? And it's not even just for breakfast... It's for everything I want to do outside of the house!! Stepping out of the house means needing permissions and approval from my parents!!! Can any of you believe it?? It's like I'm being grounded for life!!!
Fuck my life!!! I am soo soo limited!! I wonder why??!!
Hey! That rhymes!! :P
*sigh*
What I did today?? Basically, woke up at 10.45am and brushed my teeth... And waited... for my parents to come back home to fetch me out for breakfast or so-called breakfast with Shue Ling at 11.30am... But how wonderful and nice of my parents... reaching home at 11.25am... and dad decided to take a bath before fetching me out... And so he did... and ended up, I arrived half an hour later which is 12pm... My breakfast is gone... I just have to settle with lunch instead... Half an hour late!!! Wonderful!! And I'm being blamed... for always being late... haha... I cannot believe it... well, I cannot believe everything I guess... That he will actually purposely make me late!! And he'll blame me for being late... I guess.. this is my fate... Karma... I just have to accept it... Thank you so much...
Anyway, wasn't feeling that happy during breakfast + lunch time... but at least... I managed to get over with it... Acted normal... tried to sound happy when in fact wasn't in the mood at all... And was feeling very sleepy... no idea why... a lil bit regretted for coming out... but then, another part of me feels happy coz I get to meet him on my so-called 21st birthday... No pressies... Never expect any either... So, it doesn't matter...
After that, went to meet my parents at their usual hangout... And how great my day is... Being teased or bombarded by an unknown uncle whom my mum told me used to be a teacher in Convent... Who cares... I never meet him before... so that doesn't count... I just tell my mum once that I'm feeling sleepy... and there that uncle teased me... saying how can a girl of my age feeling sleepy at lunch hour?? A young adult like me, how can I ever think of taking an afternoon nap???!!! EH, UNCLE!!! Did I stepped on your tail??? I don't even know who the hell you are!! Why on earth are you trying to piss me off??? F*ck!! Is it wrong for taking afternoon nap??? HEY, UNCLE!! For your information, I HARDLY HAD AFTERNOON NAP, OKAY??!!! Stop judging me when you don't even know me and I don't even know you!!! Mind your own business!!! DAMN!!!
I feel soo much like talking back to that uncle... But I guess, if I really did that, my life will be disastrous later on... So, I hold my tongue... and kept quiet and just smile like an idiot when he said me...
Went to Wetex after that with who else but my parents... Thought of getting myself a Sundae... Sundae cheers me up... Decided to get it before going back... However, plan failed... Dad doesn't want to go to McD... sien!!! Mum asked me what do I want for dinner... I told her Happy Meal... Coz I am seriously in a bad mood... depressed, in fact... And Happy Meal is da only meal that can cheer me up... Well, call me childish if you want... But eating McD is always a happy thing to me... Whenever I'm in a bad mood in KL, I'll eat McD... And felt happy after that... It's like a pill, a medicine to my sadness... I guess, I'll never be heal today... Coz no McD... Not even a Sundae cone...
*sigh*
Luckily, I've something which I thought could cheer me up a bit afterward... A pair of new Levi's jeans!!! Yeah!! Well, Levi's having a big sale at The Store now... And I wasn't in any mood of shopping or asking for anything from my parents... I don't want to be called big spender... So sick of that... I kept quiet basically during da whole trip... And duno why... I ended up with a pair of jeans... Well, I did not really want a new jeans at the moment... coz it's not something I really needed right now... It's just a want... not an essential thing... But then, I still ended up with a pair of new Levi's straight cut jeans!! I guess, I should be a bit cheered up and happy...
But why on earth am I sitting here, typing this, with tears rolling of my cheeks non stop???
Damn it!!! I should probably be dead... To hell with me!! DAMN!! I can't do this anymore... continue typing this post means bigger swollen eyes... I guess I'll just stop here... bye, folks...
P/S: Did I mention I'll be having Maggi for dinner tonight?? lols!! After being promised by my mum that I'll be having a feast tonight few weeks ago, this is what I'll be having for dinner tonight... A bowl of Maggi... Not that I'm complaining... but this whole thing just sucks!! DAMN!!!
Labels: birthday, emo, family
i am who i am
6:41 PM
